I actually do not know what to type in this entry. I initially wanted to write about gratitude, grace, mercy and love but the right words escape me at the moment. I find now that there will be no amount of words strung together that could ever describe or narrate how good, merciful and loving God is. If the tears that accompany this typing can ever speak, I hope it will. But let me just leave it here how my heart is overwhelmed at such a love that loves me at my darkest. How, despite of being a great and terrible sinner, despite previously knowing how painful it is to hurt the one you love and yet you did it anyway, despite all that… I am still here. I am still loved. I am still chosen.
For the past two days, I have been listening to just one song in repeat. I guess it is my song at the moment and the song that will guide me through the rest of these holy days.
I hope that this song will also touch your heart the same way. May you find people in your life, guides who will mirror to you the mercy and tenderness of God. When I thought I was not worthy to continue, when I thought that I was too terrible to be chosen to do things beyond my years and beyond what a 30-year old sinful woman could do, I found very holy people who looked at me as if I did no wrong. Who urged me to even walk further and see my experiences as a preparation for greater things. I weep at the fact that I was told: “No, you are good. You have such a good heart.” I weep because it felt liberating. I weep because it felt like I was washed clean. I weep, because I saw in their faces…the face I so long for.
Now I kind of understand. It is this unfathomable experience of mercy that will lead us to respond in such a radical way – to the point of giving off oneself to the Love that loved us despite of our shortcomings. It is this memory of mercy that will prevail as He washed away our sins and even the memories of it. It is this being embraced by mercy that will melt away all traces of anger, disdain and pain.
“Set the child free, she is mine now,” said the Father. And so she ran as He ran first to meet her.
May you experience the Love that will never cease to love you; yes, even at your darkest. It is in this “darkest” point that we walk further into His way, knowing that in the end, with much faith, hope and love, we will find peace.
We shall find Him, who completely, unconditionally, faithfully loved us.